Asking and the power of NO
So lately I have been required to ask for everything. Please Sir, may i go to the bathroom? Please Sir, may I get a drink? Please Sir, may I go to sleep? You get the idea, I have to ask for everything or risk getting into trouble. Usually a caning. Ugh.
I am getting better at remembering to ask. Last night I asked to go to the bathroom on my way out of the bedroom headed for the bathroom. For some reason it never occured to me that he would say no. I mean, he has to let me go to the bathroom right? In fact when he did say NO, it didn't even register with me. I was on the way to the bathroom, what the hell, did he just say no? I stopped in my tracks and turned to look at him with my mouth hanging open, I'm sure.
He calmly looked me in the eye and waited for the explosion, which I'm ashamed to say that I provided. I screeched WHAT? He didn't answer just looked at me. At that point I was dumbfounded, I just sat down in the chair and looked at him. After about 5 minutes of me having a rant in my own head about how I had the right to use the bathroom when I needed to and who does he think he is. It finally dawned on me that if I always ask for things and expect the answer is always yes, then what power does HB have? It would be a sham; which isn't what I want at all.
I asked again and this time looked at him and chose my words more carefully. He gave me permission. For the first time since we began this, I actually remembered that I needed permission after I ask for things. I'm learning!
Please Sir
My HB has decided this weekend that I have not been paying close enough attention to the way that I am speaking to him. He told me on Friday night that I needed some grounding/centering and that I was to ask for permission for everything. Anytime I ask for something I had to make sure that I said Please and address him as Sir. If I didn't ask, I would be punished. If I didn't say Please Sir, than I would get 10 swats for every time I did it.
WOW, who knew that I wasn't using Please when asking for things. I thought my manners were better than that. I ended up getting 50 swats for that. I only got in trouble 3 times for not asking for permission before doing things.
I feel a lot different today than I did on Friday. I do feel more grounded and more centered. I feel submissive. No better feeling than that!
What do I want?
Work, work, work and more work. I can't seem to get away from it. Right now, I work a full time job and I'm going to school full time. It is really cutting into my sex life!
I have been spending alot of time thinking about about what I want in my relationship with HB (my hubby). We started out together in a D/s play partner type relationship. After a period of time, he stopped being a playmate and started being the man I love. Love is great....but it seems like he has never had as much control over me as he did in the beginning. We seemed to be very close to M/s in the beginning and now we are mostly a one minute D/s next just normal vanilla relationship. Not that it is a bad thing, its not. I just crave more submission, I crave his control, and his dominance. Its harder though when you are married with kids. Its sometimes hard to even remember that he is in control. Yikes, that is a bad bad thing.
I feel a strong need for boundaries, discipline, rules, and rituals. I want to be aware that he is in charge; that if I step over a line he has drawn he will punish me. Not just a little spanking, I mean really punish me. I want to know that disappointing him is the worst feeling possible. I want the pain of the punishment to wash away all the bad feelings that I sometimes carry. I want it to wash away his bad feelings too. I want it to only leave behind a sore, sorry, but very loved girl, and a happy, content Dom.
I don't want much do I?
Introduction
Introducing.....my blog! Yipppee!!
I am a wife
I am a submissive
I am a lover
I am a friend
I am a bad girl
I am a good girl
I am a professional
I am a student
I am a step mother
I hope that this blog helps me balance all the parts of my life. I hope that it teaches me more about what I need and want. We will see!
